Title: Smash It Like Sachin
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Bend It Like Beckham
Fandom: Bend It Like Beckham (story came a section of a Bad Girls fan fiction "This Bloody Island Part 4: To Nick A Scot")
Summary: Jess and Jules time together was cut short...
I got into the house that made my gaydar beep like crazy and at first I really didn't hear anything. This must be an Indian house because I can smell curry all over the place. I started to investigate the house, but as far as I can tell no one was downstairs, so I went upstairs. Then I started to look in the rooms upstairs, I didn't find anything until I started to hear noises from one of the rooms. I entered into the room, it looked like the main bedroom. There was nothing in the room but then I head some sounds coming from the closet... My gaydar was confirming this.
"Oh shit, it's time for me to straighten out the situation."
As I prepare myself for the worse I began to recognise the sounds a little bit better. It sounded like two girls talking and probably kissing, so I decided to crack the closet door a bit more and listen.
"We may be in here but this feels like heaven to me Jules." Jess said.
"So do I Jess. I don't know why we waited so long to do this, we wanted each other for a long time."
"I love you so much, I just wish our parents can understand how much we love each other." Yeah right! If they only knew...
"Jess if loving you is wrong I don't wanna be right." Haven't I heard this before?...(PART 3 OF THIS BLOODY ISLAND)
"Neither do I. I love looking at those bright and piercing eyes of yours. I adore touching that soft and warm skin of yours. I feel intoxicated when I feel your warm breath on my neck. I admire the radiance and whiteness of your skin. I..."
I think I had enough, I'm looking at the Cockney version of Jessie and Katie, and their fate is gonna end the same way Jessie and Katie's fate ended five years ago: through brutal pain. So I kicked the door and surprised them.
"Aha! I knew it all along!"
Jess was surprised and somewhat confused, she didn't know who I was. However Jules was nervous and was shaking like a crack-addict.
"Do you want me to finish off what Apu's daughter was about to say?"
They didn't say a word.
So I continued while mimicking a young girl's voice "OK let me continue. I admire the whiteness of you skin because I want to be white myself. I love eating chutney between you thighs because it gives it a more tangy taste. I think about you all the time when I'm working at Kwik-E-Mart making Chutney Squishees. I want you to be there for me when I have cramps. I want to have your knickers so I can smell your funk and then wear it. I love you so much because you're white. I'm willing to scratch your fanny when you need it and still eat foods with my hands."
Don't get me wrong people, I have nothing against Indians (Asians for you Brits), I just tease them to get to their heads. As for white people well that's a different story...
By this time both Jess and Jules were angry at me, I didn't care.
"Who are you?" Jess asked, I was gonna answer but Jules beat me to it.
"He's a very dangerous man, Jess. He specialises in humiliating, torturing and killing queers. He's the one who killed the Russian duo T.a.T.u."
"Yeah bitch I sure am, besides who the fuck do you think I am? David Beckham? Nah, I prefer cricket over soccer (well that's not true but as well...) I don't bend it like Beckham, I smash it like Sachin!" Sachin Tedulkar is a very popular cricket player who broke many batting records in Cricket.
Jules started to cry "Please don't use The Solution on us! Please!"
She already knows about The Solution? Damn! The word sure does gets around here fast. I guess they do use their mouths for something else besides eating pussy. So I pull out my modified titanium-core cricket bat The Solution and smacked the shit out of Jules.
"Shut da fuck up bitch, you little twat-eating nympho!"
Then I started to beat the shit out of those two Tiny Twats. They were now crying, but I didn't give a fuck. So I dragged them out the closet by their necks. I then had a few words for Jess.
"Why are you crying Dyke of Delhi? I'm just doing what you're parents would have done if they weren't busy wasting their lives at Kwik-E-Mart making Tandoori Chicken Squishees. They would have torn your roti-flapping ass up if they found out you like fish curry."
Jules then look at me with disgust and said "You are despicable."
"Not as despicable as what I'm gonna do to you, Daffy Duck."
So I punched her in the face and pimp smacked Jess. Then I brought those two Little Lezbos to the steps and kicked both of them down the steps. They were in serious pain by now, so I picked them up, brought them back upstairs and then kick them down again just for the hell of it. I was laughing my ass off when they were tumbling down.
I went downstairs, pick those two bitches up, brought them back upstairs and lined them up on a window. Then Jess said something she would regret.
"I'm looking forward to the day that women can procreate with each other so we don't have to give birth to male homophobic jerks like you." Jules said with her sardine-smelling smart mouth.
I got really upset with her so I gave her a stunning high kick. She flew out of the window and landed on the concrete with her head busted like a cantaloupe.
Jess looked outside and started to scream, so I smacked that slut and now I know I had to finish her off, so I told Jess "It's time for me to give you a 'personalised bindhi'."
"You'll find out."
So I pull out my gun and said these parting words from a not-so-wise man in the Simpsons.
"Thank you, come again." I said trying to mimic Apu's accent. I shot her dead in the middle of her head, blood and brain matter were pouring out.
After I finished killing those two, I got what I could of Jules body from outside and put it next to Jess' body. I then poured gasoline on their dead bodies and lit a match. The bodies were on fire and about 20 minutes later the whole house was. Another job well done.
Now what should I do next? Slaughter Samantha Fox? Slap that ugly bitch Sally Hawkins til she turns pretty? Brutalise Sophie Ward? Kill off the rest of those people here on this God-forsaken island?
Better yet I know someone who I should kill and everybody on this country will celebrate, especially Scotland: Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, they're a total joke and a bunch of big America-ass kissing jerks who deceived them to fight a meaningless war.
However no matter what my next move is, those people should fear for their lives when I'm on This Bloody Island.
THIS BLOODY END
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Bad Girls, they belong to Shed Productions. Those two fish eaters Jesminder "Jess" Bhamra and Juliette "Jules" Paxton belong to that overrated director Gurinder Chadha. David Beckham is owned and whipped by Posh Spice, big time. Apu Naswerwfsadfwerfwe or whatever his last name is owned by The Simpsons and Gracie Films. Those two little lezbos Jessica Sammler and Katherine Singer belonged to the creators of the TV show "Once And Again", that was until I killed them! LOL!